Quotes from Alive and Schticking

Will: It doesn't even make any sense! It's like the contract they make you sign when you marry Tom Cruise.

Will: In case you've forgotten, we try not to give people reasons to call us butt pirates.

Malcolm: Look, the most important thing right now is to get these ice cream sandwiches into your freezer as soon as possible.
Will: What are you doing with ice cream sandwiches?
Malcolm: You want me to drop by without a gift? I think I was raised better than that.

Jack: I had the largest glitter-related tragedy since Mariah Carey's film debut.

Karen: Speaking of chairs, you look like a fun place to sit.

Malcolm: Oooh, conflict of interest. Somebody went the university of fancy.

Jack: Life is too short to waste time on over-thinking things. When an opportunity comes, I don't question it, I grab it, drop its ring on the nightstand, and swing on it 'til dawn.

Malcolm: Oh, Will, you kill me. And one day I'm gonna have to return the favor.

Grace: I'm not even gonna think about it. I'm just gonna close my eyes and do what I want. Oh, hey! I'm George Bush!

Malcolm: I have to shred some documents for a client. I can't say who, but I can't DE-LAY it.

Karen: Stan may be alive, but he's still dead to me.

Jack: I feel so sad. Grace, will you change my eyebrow?